Without the passionate love of youth

i decay.

i decay in screen blue light.

i decay.

Violent reaction.

Corporate city.

Respect and meaning in rough area train rides.

Sell your old self for the upgraded new version. This one struggles to remember all the little details.

So important.

Speeding heart. Alcohol mind.

Monday retreat and walk off the weekend.

Tuesday is yet another weekly dysfunctional dream.

Broken.

We sit in rows, charging forth to find the future.

We breath the same hate.

As it destroys us.

Setting fire to everything.

You eventually realize there is only charcoal and you.

How cool everything once was.

alcohol stops at all stations.

Passengers creep,

music blares,

scenery roars.

Silence.

Try to sleep.

Regroup and gather yourself again.

The mind skips on repeat.

Stop thinking. Stop thinking. Stop thinking…

The bugs in our TV.

Camouflaged.

You cant see them in their feathered clothes.

Burning fruit with night vision.

Fuck waxed modern hairstyles, collar up, pink shirt

Fuck crosses, holy water and cups of blood,

Fuck real estate deals and equity tax advantages.

Fuck 24 hour convenience, anti-depressants and friendly therapists.

Fuck Notions of a Peaceful world.

Moomba is another new thing she has introduced me to. Its a lot more fun then getting wasted at home. Wasting time. That’’s something I”ve done plenty of. I’ve been getting so belted recently, booze, drugs, The shit job I got does nothing for me, no aspirations here my good Sir. Just Lucy. A small amount of cash. And about 5 E’s.

“For you they are free. How many would you like?” Just halves for each of her friends she says. “No problem.”

I was dying to make her happy. She was one cool thing, straight up! To cool for school, sharp as a blade. She taught me a lot about business and drugs, relationships and reality. She was a dash older then me but her wisdom was well beyond. I”ve got a lot of catching up to do if I”m to keep this little bouncing flower girl. That’s a def. I’d need to be at my best. Keep the mind healthy. Become strong.. like her.

Blue King Brown, The fucking best band. “Ive never heard of them” i confess. There on in half an hour, They”ll get us going. Her friend insists. She’’s gorgeous too, like all her friends and through the bubbling of E I manage to respond. “Sounds Good, I’m in.” But first lets hit that ride. The one that drops at drastic speed like a crashing elevator with a severed cord, screeching to a jagged holte. Its called the ”Drop Zone”, and its shiny as fuck. “Who will go with me?” I shout excitedly. Mika is keen but Lucy and the others are not.

The view from up here is peaceful. Looking out at the stars with our legs dangling over our seats. Numb and hanging out in the sky. What a great place to escape the crowds and think some fresh thoughts. I’m looking for Lucy but cant see her. I’d rather be up here with her.

“Scared of heights?” Mika asks.

No sign of her. Looking at the people racing around below, my mind also begins to race with concern. Then it hits me. This thing with Lucy feels fragile. She has started distancing herself from me.

Paranoid thoughts continue..
Lucy touched me only once today that was when she was asking for drugs. That’s a clear sign of retraction. She hasn’t called me all week. She is going to cut our ties.. Fuck.

Why is she doing this? All I’ve been doing recently is getting fucked up. I downed almost two bottles of vodka at her BBQ last week. What a fucking disgrace I was. Acting like a well drunk fool.

Im struck with a rush of dread, and a frantic need to repair my faults.
I’ve got to straighten out before its to late. Cut out alcohol. And find some stability.

I’ll fix it. It will be cool again like when we first met.

Mika breaks my thoughts, “Hey we been up here for a while now, this things gonna drop.” CHING! VVVWOOOOSSSHHHH!